It's time for me to tell the truth

(9-11 minute read)

This is going to be the most vulnerable I’ve ever let myself be not just to myself, but also to the world.

This is me expressing my pains and suffering and all the ways I have been experiencing self-sabotage.

I am using this as a way to express raw and authentic thoughts and feelings I’ve had because I understand that in order to heal, the truth must be told.

This expression is necessary because I’ve held in and suppressed so many emotions since childhood, and I’m done being a victim of my past and I just feel the need to express this to the world.

I’ve copied and pasted here below all the notes I’ve written down from my journal as I have sat in many long hours of silence, going on long walks, hot baths, and post meditations. From this sentence on is an unstructured jumble of all the journaling I’ve been doing.

I must die to my old self in order for me to be reborn into the new self I want to and must become.

It’s now the time to heal but first I must admit, I am suffering.

No one is making me suffer. It’s 100% self-created.

I have been standing in my own way and it’s been affecting my life in many areas.

I realized that all my suffering has come down to not knowing how to process my emotions. My emotional intelligence has been whack.

I tend to use spiritual practices, quotes, and ideas to suppress any type of situation that will make me feel pain or keep me from reaching the outer levels of my comfort zone.

Even the Earth goes through problems and needs to release itself such as erupting in the form of volcanoes, exhaling deeply in the form of tornadoes, and being angry in the form of earthquakes.

I’ve been sabotaging myself by psychoanalyzing my feelings rather than actually experiencing them. I think this is because in the past, I’ve felt such deep pain and I had no one to express it to or knowledge of how to deal with it, therefore, I learned that feeling pain was “bad” and I’ve put up walls to not allow myself to get close to it. I dissociate from life when pain arises.

I have become a master at avoiding pain. Or at least I think I have until I realize that it’s been suppressed and transferred to my subconscious and body.

I have been afraid to feel pain because I believe I’m not capable of handling any form of it.

I deny and ignore painful situations and experiences because I believe they' will simply go away if I continue to not acknowledge them.

I must change the way I think and the stories I tell myself if I want to change. I am going to have to become conscious of negative and false beliefs and shift to a mindset that actually shifts me.

Over the past 5 years, I’ve been accumulating so much knowledge about life, and that ‘ego’ has kept me in a state of denial. I have been spiritually bypassing my reality. I have been stuck in the fantasy of my imagination because it is much more safe than experiencing my current reality.

I have not been taking full accountability and responsibility for my life. I have attributed the faults in my life to external sources, people, and situations, and consciously I know that’s not the truth and it’s been killing me on the inside. I am afraid to admit that I have messed up in life. All my problems are my fault. I’m playing the victim card.

I’ve been doing this because I don’t love myself.

Now I’m at the point where I have 2 choices in life: I can make peace, or I can commit to changing because the lingering is what is making me suffer.

I feel that I’ve been close to or at rock bottom because my unhealthy habits have been compounding upon one another and my coping mechanisms have spiraled out of control and I can no longer resist the feelings I’ve been attempting to hide.

I’ve reached the breaking point because I accept that the problem isn’t how the world is; it is how I am.

I have suppressed each emotion to where I haven’t allowed myself to feel the most of any emotion. I don’t remember the last time I felt really angry, really happy, really loved, really wanted, or really any other emotion. The self-talk and identity I’ve had about this is that “I’m spiritual and spiritual people don’t express extreme emotions. And that’s a good thing.” But in reality, I’ve been avoiding and suppressing life.

One of the big reasons I’ve been avoiding doing important internal work is because I recognize that if I heal myself, my life will change dramatically.

My new life is going to cost me my old one. It’s going to cost me my comfort zone and any sense of direction. It’s going to cost me being liked and understood. It’s going to cost me a lot of things, but it must be done.

But in reality, all I’m going to lose is what was built for a person I no longer am or want to be any longer.

A major factor in my suffering is that I know how I want my life to move forward, yet I’m still, for some reason, stuck.

I’ve been battling resistance and losing almost every time.

I’ve been struggling with perfectionism. I worry too much about doing things well rather than just doing the damn thing. I focus too much on failing rather than just showing up and doing the right thing. I’ve been focusing on perfection rather than progress and doing this has kept me from trying or starting at all.

I don’t validate my own feelings. I’ve been telling myself that feeling any type of “negative” or “bad” feeling is wrong.

I’ve been struggling with a need for justification. I’ve been using excuses to navigate away from uncomfortable feelings that I know are necessary for my growth. I’ve been accepting my own excuses and being complacent with my own justifications.

I’ve been too focused on what I don’t really want rather than what I do want. The popular quote goes, “What you give your attention to, energy flows.” All my energy has been given attention to my “lack.”

I’ve been struggling with a pride issue, and this is extremely hard for me to admit. I’ve been assuming that I know everything there is to know and try to seem perfect. I’ve always hated the idea of asking for help or assistance and leaning on others.

I’ve been sabotaging myself with money for the longest time. I’ve been spending money that I don’t have or when I do have some form of abundance because I’m not comfortable having more than my basic necessities, and so I put myself back into the comfortable feeling of lack.

I have a fear of failure. I have had no desire to become “great” at something probably because in order to become great, a lot of failure seems to be a necessary process.

I’ve been dealing with so much inner tension because one part of my psyche understands that I should be evolving and moving forward with my life and another part is intimidated by the potential discomfort it will bring.

I’ve been spending no time with people who support and will help my dreams come true. The only people I spend my time with are my girlfriend and dog, and everyone else is digital in other parts of the country. This is not to say my girlfriend and dog aren’t great, but to think about the popular quote “You are the average of the 5 people you are closest to.” I’m not really close to anyone.

I’ve been wasting a lot of my energy trying to control worst-case scenarios.

I’ve been diverting my willpower to things that don’t really matter or have a low priority in my life. Essentially, I have a lack of focus on the things that will move my life forward in the way I truly want.

I have a core value of freedom but I find myself sabotaging work opportunities that will help me achieve that.

I know what I want to do, and I know what I need to do, but I’m holding myself back because of the fear of feeling.

I hold myself back because I don’t feel like making a change, so I don’t.

I’ve been thinking my emotions are an accurate measure and representation of reality.

I haven’t been taking action when I don’t feel like it.

I have been feeling massive amounts of guilt. I feel that I’m a burden to those around me most of the time so I distance myself.

Shame has probably been the biggest feeling and most common I’ve felt these past few years. It’s been from embarrassment from not living the life the way I think it should be. My picture in my head of how my current reality ought to be doesn’t match and because of that, I see myself as worthless and invalid.

I act as my own bully and enemy before anyone else because I think it will hurt less if I do it to myself first.

I haven’t had an unwavering conviction in the life I want to create.

I haven’t been willing to accept the darkness therefore I haven’t been able to turn it into the light.

I’ve been paying too much attention to copying other people’s paths than realizing that my path will be unique and completely different.

Perhaps the reason I’m too scared to go into my feelings is because my inner child is still traumatized.

I think everyone is evaluating me the way I am evaluating me.

I keep trying to predict what I can’t know because the unknown is my biggest fear.

As I’ve been expressing all of this, it’s been a relief to admit these imperfections, struggles, problems, and issues about myself.

From this moment on will be interesting in my life. I’m ready to heal and do the work that is necessary to truly live the life I know can happen for me. I’m ready to start the journey of climbing each mountain and to reach my potential, and become the highest version of myself.

I’m not perfect, and that’s okay. No one is perfect. We’re all imperfect and that’s what makes us human. <3